prosthetic knowledge
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The Onion: Apple Promises To Fix Glitches In Map Software By Rearranging Earth’s Geography
Apple is working hard to move streets, buildings, and natural features of the Earth itself to be consistent with their heavily criticized Maps software.
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Report: Dad Proud Of You; He Won’t Say It, But It’s True
Some genius from theonion here:
WASHINGTON—According to a new report released Sunday by the Pew Research Center, even though he doesn’t always show it and certainly never says it, your father is very proud of you.
More.
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The Onion: Latest Sarah Palin Speech Opens Sixth Seal
IDAHO FALLS, ID—Speaking unto an audience of anti-immigration advocates, global-warming deniers, and members of the Tea Party Nation, former Alaska governor and vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin gave forth utterances Monday that reportedly opened the sixth seal of the Book of the Apocalypse.
“Wow, it’s good to be here, just shootin’ the breeze with a bunch of real, hardworking Americans who love their freedom,” said Palin, her words echoing across the Idaho Falls Civic Auditorium as mighty tremors caused great unrest beneath the land and the sea. “So are the little guys like you and me gonna fight these Washington insiders with their big government agenda? You betcha we are!”
And lo, there was then a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair; and the moon became as blood; and “gosh” was spoken repeatedly; and the stars of heaven fell upon the earth, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs, when she is shaken by a mighty wind. -
New Apple CEO Tim Cook: ‘I’m Thinking Printers’ via The Onion
SAN FRANCISCO—Following the resignation of Apple founder Steve Jobs, incoming CEO Tim Cook called a meeting of shareholders and members of the press Thursday morning to announce that he envisioned printers as the company’s future. “Laser, ink-jet, double-sided, color, black-and-white—the future of technology is in printers. I am absolutely convinced of that,” …
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Obama Turns 50 Despite Republican Opposition - The Onion WASHINGTON—After months of heated negotiations and failed attempts to achieve any kind of consensus, President Obama turned 50 years old Thursday, drawing strong criticism from Republicans in Congress.
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Lady Gaga Kidnaps Commissioner Gordon via The Onion
GOTHAM CITY—Supervillain Lady Gaga brazenly abducted Commissioner James Gordon from a charity fundraiser Tuesday, leaving police baffled and the citizens of Gotham fearing for their safety. Known for her outlandish costumes and geometric polygon hair, the criminal madwoman made a daring escape from Arkham Asylum last week and has been taunting authorities by interrupting television broadcasts ever since.
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The Onion: God Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder
NEW HAVEN, CT–In a diagnosis that helps explain the confusing and contradictory aspects of the cosmos that have baffled philosophers, theologians, and other students of the human condition for millennia, God, creator of the universe and longtime deity to billions of followers, was found Monday to suffer from bipolar disorder.
… Evidence of God’s manic-depression can be found throughout the Universe, from the white-hot explosiveness of quasars to the cold, lifeless vacuum of space. However, theologians note, humanity’s exposure to God’s affliction comes primarily through His confusing propensity to alternately reward and punish His creations with little rhyme or reason.
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The Onion: Prince William Divorces Kate Middleton After 5 Weeks
‘I Made A Terrible Mistake’ Says Heir To British Throne
HAHAHAHA! More on this ‘story’ here
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Literally Unbelievable - Tumblr blog that documents posts on Facebook about articles from The Onion …. by people which they believe to be true.
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The Onion: Radiohead Denies Influencing Local Band
“There is absolutely no evidence to support Hitler Hairdo’s claim that listening to OK Computer for the first time changed the whole way they thought about music,” said Yorke, flanked by the other members of Radiohead, producer Nigel Godrich, and the band’s lawyers. “It’s preposterous to think that, as genre-bending pioneers of post-punk techno-rock, we had anything to do with influencing this at-best average band. Anyone who’s listened closely to their demo CD could tell you that.”
Hitler Hairdo, whose MySpace page cites Radiohead as a “major influence,” has been playing house parties and open-mic nights around the Dayton area for more than a year, but has yet to gain a substantial following. In “Bassist Needed” fliers distributed last month, the band describes itself as “a mix between Radiohead and Smashing Pumpkins, but primarily interested in the earlier guitar-driven sounds of Pablo Honey and The Bends.”
Hitler Hairdo plays a song that in no way resembles the pristine melancholia of Radiohead’s music.
“That’s absolute shite,” Yorke said when asked for a response. “The epochal, full-bodied shoegaziness of early Radiohead is completely absent from the sample tracks they put online, and where are the bracing yet approachable guitar patterns?”
“And just look at their stupid band photo,” added Yorke. “Radiohead would never dress like that.”
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The Onion: U.S. Negotiating Mubarak's Severance Package CAIRO—In an effort to provide monetary compensation to the Egyptian president for three decades of faithful service, U.S. officials opened negotiations with Hosni Mubarak Tuesday, offering him a severance package worth $20 million upon termination of his employment. “We are all thankful for the hard work and long hours President Mubarak put in over the years, and hope our discussions continue smoothly,” said senior U.S. negotiator Frank Wisner, who admitted that the final settlement would have to be considerable, as Mubarak’s contract with the U.S. was being terminated 15 years early …
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Movie Poster: Kim Jong Il As The Next Batman via The Onion
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14-Year Anniversary Of ‘Crash Bandicoot’ Passes By Largely Unnoticed via The Onion
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Martin Scorsese Attends Free iMovie Demonstration At Apple Store by The Onion
Scorsese, who is widely regarded as one of the most important artists in the history of American cinema, was reportedly fascinated that iMovie was capable of making footage slow down, speed up, or play backward. The living legend said he was also impressed that, by clicking a single button, a complex tracking shot could be instantly changed into black-and-white to fully emphasize the repugnance of masculine insecurities.
“I haven’t been this enamored of a title screen since my mother took me to see Duel In The Sun when I was 6,” said Scorsese, standing up to address the iMovie demonstrator and the audience. “So just to clarify, all I have to do is go to the title menu, type a word, and that will be superimposed over the screen? That’s just an extraordinary feature. Look at that, you can make words scroll like credits at the end of a movie. Wait until I tell Brian De Palma about this.”
Brilliant :D [Link for for comedy]
![Martin Scorsese Attends Free iMovie Demonstration At Apple Store by The Onion
Scorsese, who is widely regarded as one of the most important artists in the history of American cinema, was reportedly fascinated that iMovie was capable of making footage slow down, speed up, or play backward. The living legend said he was also impressed that, by clicking a single button, a complex tracking shot could be instantly changed into black-and-white to fully emphasize the repugnance of masculine insecurities.
“I haven’t been this enamored of a title screen since my mother took me to see Duel In The Sun when I was 6,” said Scorsese, standing up to address the iMovie demonstrator and the audience. “So just to clarify, all I have to do is go to the title menu, type a word, and that will be superimposed over the screen? That’s just an extraordinary feature. Look at that, you can make words scroll like credits at the end of a movie. Wait until I tell Brian De Palma about this.”
Brilliant :D [Link for for comedy]](http://www.tumblr.com/photo/1280/prostheticknowledge/1025123763/1/tumblr_l7v5wjbL9t1qav3us)
